The Calling

I have found myself stumbling through life for the most part as I imagine most people do. I believe experiences make you who you are, but if I strip all of that back to my childhood, I think deep down I am the same little girl who sent off a story to Ladybird Publishing about evil goblins that lurked in her garden.

It's the stuff in between, the experiences that steer you down a different path, each twist and turn taking you further away from who you really want to be that get in the way. And now here I am. For the most part, I have a wonderful husband who, as the years roll on and life takes over, I unwittingly forget to appreciate. And then there's our three beautiful children who I thought we'd never have, and who give me so much love and laughter, they sing to my soul. I've worked hard in my life and have a good job, one that I enjoy, but the calling is strong.

For the last year or so, I've heeded that call, written a novel. And I've been looking for representation without much success. I get the standard rejections, but in amongst them, I find a note of encouragement - a few words scrawled on a compliment slip to give me hope. I'll keep trying because that's who I am. I don't give up. I take constructive criticism on the chin, and rework my wip, whipping it into better shape.

Why do I do it? The little girl within me still lives, but her imagination has matured somewhat or so I like to think. Past all of the joy, grief and disappointment, I still find myself concocting characters in my head, real or imagined, light or dark. My subconscious creates full conversations and scenes in my mind, fuelled by silence or music or the somewhat long monotonous drive to work. It could just be, of course, that I'm slightly crazy imagining other people and other worlds, that it stemmed from childhood as a way to escape reality, but I'd like to think that it's more than that. I will continue to listen to the calling, to act out the fantasies playing in my mind onto paper, until I find an agent or publisher willing to listen to the madness.

Wish me luck.